Chapter 3- Brand “New” Summer
Being isolated on a mountain, surrounded by other people seeking the presence of God 24/7 is one thing. In the following weeks, I had to take on my anxieties and depression while sometimes being alone in the middle of Lakeland, FL.
Journal Entry 6-24-2018
“The First Day”
We’re back in town, but I also feel that the journey has changed it (or more accurately, me). What will these weeks before me become? How will the steps show themselves moving forward?
My breathing is clear, but the camp high can be deceiving. I must blur the line between the mountains and our swamps. It’s all the same world, the same stretches of the same Earth, in the same cluster of the same galaxy, in the same universe; only a couple miles south.
Yeshua called fishers to become fishers of men. He told them what they would understand and encouraged them to use what they know. He rejected the enemy and had authority over it. And through Him, we have that power too. Evil answers to Him and does not control us as it wants us to think.
Where will I be led? Where will I fish (or create, or build)? I will forward my journey, as it has not truly ended, only having hit a chapter break.
Journal Entry 6-26-2018
“Answers without Questions”
It can sometimes feel like, when living in reality after my lengthy bouts in reverie, that I am being given answers to questions I never asked. I want to operate at my fullest function but trying to remain in reality keeps me from reflection.
Can I be so bold to ask a question though, “Can this not end like it usually does? Can I simply slide through the valley without losing the people I love and who love me, or at least the feeling of it?”
I’m so used to losing everything to my depression that I am still reluctant to go all in. But what if I didn’t have to worry? What if I had reassurance that I will not face the attacks that have plagued me my entire life?
I need a sense of hope. A sense of assurance. A sense of sustainability. A sense of peace and purpose. A sense of love. A sense of being right where I belong. A sense that I will wake everyday right where I want to be. That’s not too much to ask, is it?
Journal Entry 6-27-2018
“Never Be Enough”
The feeling that I am grateful for something, but still not fully satisfied has a name, right? I will never be able to thank you enough for the past couple chaotic weeks, but I also get caught up in the excitement all too easily.
The end of the summer will come and my sense of responsibility and purpose will die… or it will find change. I’m not very prophetic but I know where this road usually leads.
Fill me with clarity. Fill me with strength. Pair me with companion travelers. I know I have the potential for bigger adventures but this fear has been too loud the past few years.
Screw fear! I want to live in real life, I want to have purpose, have friends, find love; I want to see the world as worthy of being saved.
Journal Entry 7-3-2018
“Too Much is Never Enough”
Are we worth the memories we have convinced ourselves of, or are we worth the reality we have experienced? I have manufactured so many memories in my reveries simply trying to create an experience I only wish I could have experienced in reality. When can I experience those in reality?
When are the lazy afternoons with loved ones? When are the relaxing evenings with the love of my life, simply communicated by the quiet bliss in the atmosphere? When are the Christmas afternoons, after the kids have worn themselves out from the morning and lay sprawled out on the couches? When are the moments I look in a loved one’s eyes and see our entire journey together all at once in each thread of their iris?
Journal Entry 7-4-2018
“I Never Blamed You. Not Once.”
I felt unappreciated last night and I spent the rest of the night in an endless loop of trying to understand why, which always leads to exclusively depression.
I never want to give into the pressures of conformity, because I will probably not enjoy it, but I also have to struggle with the fact that I am radically different from so many of the people around me.
I am so far behind, but I’ve also been on a completely different journey. How does someone find the confidence to follow their own path when it is so far removed from the others? Will it be too lonely? Will it even be worth it? What will I do when I get stuck again? Who will help me? Who will join by my side?
Journal Entry 7-7-2018
“At the End…”
What happens at the end of the summer? No!! I shouldn’t know the ending; it’ll ruin all of it. But it’s tearing me apart. I’ve been playing this game for too long. I know what will happen at the end of the summer. I just want to know that I’m right.
The tune doesn’t even seem like it’s changed. I’m pretending to hear a melody, trying to find beauty in the chaotic clash of instruments, not bothered by the trouble I’m having from their noise.
What happens at the end of the summer? How soon before I fall back into the pit? I’m dancing around the rim now. [It feels like] I was intentionally designed to be people’s last pick, but why do I have to be Your’s.
I’ve survived living in the pit this long, and I’m sure I could do it again, but I’m not sure how much longer. What happens at the end of the summer, will likely set the course for the rest of my life.